Loving The Struggle

January 12, 2018, 9:51pm

My rent was due on the 1st. My grace period ends on the 15th. I don’t have a job, nor any immediate prospects. I sold my mini fridge from my office last night. Since I don’t have an office anymore, I don’t need a mini fridge. But everything else I own is something I’m either using or am not using for a good reason. With the money I made from the fridge, the remaining money in my savings account, and a fifty dollar bill I discovered after hiding it away years ago, I was able to write a check of $126 to my roommate/landlord, less than half of my bill. One of my neighbors is going to buy the mattress that’s been my wall art for the past three months. For some reason, I thought sleeping on a futon was a smarter idea than a bare mattress on the floor. I’m clearly a genius. But at least I get another $20. The only thing I have of actual value that I could sell is my Mexican Stratocaster. I hate the thought of giving that up. My office desk has been surprisingly beneficial to my life on the internet. I’ll keep it too if I can come up with $300 by Monday.

My current view


I really enjoy inhabiting this little apartment, even though I had two jobs when I began the independent life. It was a lot more luxurious then. But there’s something inexplicably thrilling about this misery, this uncertainty. I’m curiously excited, though the fear is crippling. I love playing this game of survival, living in mystery concerning my food and fuel and facing the possibility of my failure to pay rent. I have no intention of failing but having the opportunity to fail is simply, strangely wonderful. Maybe it’s wonderful because I have no intention of failing. Maybe it’s a mental problem, but I think I like losing. I’ve never done it before. I’ve always been well protected from failure, and still am to a degree. My parents will gladly come to my rescue if I ask them to. But this struggle I’m in and the feeling I have is similar to that of camping. Camping is wonderful because it’s hard, it’s rugged. Camping is rewarding because it’s a trial. Just like camping, food is not as easy. Just like camping, sleep is far less comfortable (that futon is something else). Just like camping, I know how much more I’ll appreciate how good I’ve got it once I get it.

I really should’ve gotten a job during the Christmas holidays so I could still have one now, but I didn’t. I’m just adding color to my life. Hopefully I’ll come up with a brilliant idea tomorrow.

Till then, good night.


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